Sunlight of the Spirit

I'm living life one day at time, traveling along in the sunlight of the Spirit. And I don't let anyone get between me and my light...I belong to the most amazing circle of women friends. I know that with them, nothing is impossible.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

How much is 25 years worth?

Sounds like a weird question, but it makes perfect sense to me. I spent the afternoon finalizing my divorce. Finalizing the property settlement, to be more precise. I guess I'm a pretty naive person at heart. My friends and family would all likely agree. When all this started, I hoped, no, I believed that we would be able to get through this and not just behave like adults, but resolve things fairly, equitably, and amicably. But what it all came down to in the end was $$$$. After 2 children and 25 years, it all came down to money in the end. And I don't know why but I'm still surprised, and still sad. It wasn't terribly amicable at the end. I think it turned out fairly and equitably, but not very amicably. So, when all was said and done, and all the papers were signed and initialed, I was relieved, but very very sad. When I first moved out I went through some grieving. And I've had periods of sadness off and on. Some of that was the sense of failure I felt. Some of it was the loss of the family unit, though our kids are grown and pretty much out of the house. And some of was that it ended without much of a fight or anything else. Just done. But today was sad in a different way. From the beginning, the only thing we've argued about was the money. He called, angry because I was forcing him to start over. Ruining his dreams for retiring because now he would probably have to work longer and wouldn't have my additional income and retirement funds when he retired. Forcing him to sell his dream house. I was adding additional stress to his life, blah blah blah. He's been in victim mode for years, but this really kicked it into high gear. I was angry at him and sorry for him at turns.

Tonight I'm both relieved and feeling like I should celebrate, and sad and wanting to just curl up and cry. I guess that might be normal, under the circumstances. So, I'm going to curl up and watch a favorite movie, celebrate with a big bowl of ice cream, and hang out with my pugadog.

Today I am grateful for:

Jeanna and Lex. For helping me keep things in perspective.

Lee and Michael. Just for being them.

AA, for the ability to just feel what I need to feel, good, bad and indifferent, without the desire or need to medicate it away. And for helping me behave like an adult, even when I don't feel like it.

My fabulous, wonderful HP, without whom I would not be.


  • At 6:31 AM, Blogger Corrie said…

    It is a shame how everything comes down to money or some material possession. Although it (money) has be dealt with, we are so blessed to know that is not what it is all about. We have experienced too many wonderful miracles in sobriety to know that. How blessed we are. :) You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • At 8:47 AM, Blogger Tab said…

    From my experience it would appear that is a way some ex's know how to hurt by using money issues over and over again.It is insulting.
    It is very difficult when diplomacy is not met with dignity ,especially in family/home/children matters.
    Yes,I can see how this can hurt and I can sense a form of relief.
    Hope you put a little extra butter on that popcorn,give your pooch a smooch from Tab too.
    You sound like you a in tune with yourself Tracie,enjoy the dance:)
    Thanks for sharing ~

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger NMAMFQLMSH said…

    Boy, after being divorce for over 2 years I was just served papers from the ex who is looking for a lot of things but mostly - paying no more money and our children are 15 and 16. It always came down to the all mighty dollar with him. Sad!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    I see you,

  • At 7:41 AM, Blogger Lex-Sunshine said…

    You're awesome and your strength, grace and dignity walking through all this mess with your head held high (instead of getting down-N-dirty in the mud with the ex)just continue to amaze me.

    and I'm SO glad you're blogging again! I'm proud of you!

  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger Mary Christine said…

    Thanks for sharing. It is sad. I think some people value every single thing in their lives in terms of currency. Sad.

  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger Tab said…

    New week, hope all is well.
    Thinking about'cha .

  • At 3:53 AM, Blogger dAAve said…

    Sorry, I just got around to reading this.
    I guess these things happen. At least you're a sober person, now single.

    Every time I read a story about divorce, it just gives me goosebumps that our president is trying so hard to preserve the sancitity of marriage by not allowing 10% of the population that freedom. I think we should have the same opportunities to suffer the grief and sadness of divorce as str8 people.
    I'll stop now.


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