Sounds like a weird question, but it makes perfect sense to me. I spent the afternoon finalizing my divorce. Finalizing the property settlement, to be more precise. I guess I'm a pretty naive person at heart. My friends and family would all likely agree. When all this started, I hoped, no, I believed that we would be able to get through this and not just behave like adults, but resolve things fairly, equitably, and amicably. But what it all came down to in the end was $$$$. After 2 children and 25 years, it all came down to money in the end. And I don't know why but I'm still surprised, and still sad. It wasn't terribly amicable at the end. I think it turned out fairly and equitably, but not very amicably. So, when all was said and done, and all the papers were signed and initialed, I was relieved, but very very sad. When I first moved out I went through some grieving. And I've had periods of sadness off and on. Some of that was the sense of failure I felt. Some of it was the loss of the family unit, though our kids are grown and pretty much out of the house. And some of was that it ended without much of a fight or anything else. Just done. But today was sad in a different way. From the beginning, the only thing we've argued about was the money. He called, angry because I was forcing him to start over. Ruining his dreams for retiring because now he would probably have to work longer and wouldn't have my additional income and retirement funds when he retired. Forcing him to sell his dream house. I was adding additional stress to his life, blah blah blah. He's been in victim mode for years, but this really kicked it into high gear. I was angry at him and sorry for him at turns.
Tonight I'm both relieved and feeling like I should celebrate, and sad and wanting to just curl up and cry. I guess that might be normal, under the circumstances. So, I'm going to curl up and watch a favorite movie, celebrate with a big bowl of ice cream, and hang out with my pugadog.
Today I am grateful for:
Jeanna and Lex. For helping me keep things in perspective.
Lee and Michael. Just for being them.
AA, for the ability to just feel what I need to feel, good, bad and indifferent, without the desire or need to medicate it away. And for helping me behave like an adult, even when I don't feel like it.
My fabulous, wonderful HP, without whom I would not be.