Those are powerful words. I've been repeating them a LOT lately, out of necessity. I'm learning all over again that the only person whose behavior I have any control over is my own. What's amazing is the level of serenity it brings when I really pay attention. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that it's not necessary that I know what the reason is. I'm relying heavily on faith right now, and that's something I'm not terribly good at. I like to pretend I am, but if I were consistent about that faith thing, I wouldn't get into so much fear. And boy have I been living in fear. And of course, it's all about control. I can't control my son's behavior or my ex's behavior or my sister's behavior. They're all going to do what they're going to do. My sister had her baby, and in a normal family that would be a thing to rejoice about. Not so here. We're all concerned about whether the baby is okay, whether she and her boyfriend will take care of him, if she'll start using again. So I've been praying for her and for the baby. Praying for her miracle and for his. And praying for my friend, who has terminal cancer and seems to be slipping away a little bit every day. What's amazing is how strong his faith is. He's an amazing person, and so is his wife. So I'm trying to have faith that it's all going to turn out like it's supposed to. And again, I don't get to know what that will be.
I've been really enjoying my morning conversations with God lately. It's kind of funny, since there seems to be so much going on right now. But because of that, I've really been focusing a lot on prayer and meditation. It's the only thing that brings me much peace right now. I do get that it's the whole working on that connection with God thing in the 11th step that's helping me attain some measure of serenity in the midst of the chaos. And I'm very grateful for that.
Today I'm grateful for:
The incredible people I've met in AA. I'm just in awe of the spirituality I witness on a daily basis.
The ability to open my heart and allow others in even though sometimes it brings pain.
The realization that it's not all my chaos and I can match calamity with serenity, if I choose to do the right thing.