It's been kind of a roller coaster week for me, emotionally. Up and down, up and down, blah blah blah. First let me say that I had an absolutely wonderful time on Tuesday at the rodeo with two of the people I love most in all the world. Alexis and I went early and wandered around eating deep fried Oreo cookies, watching the people, enjoying the beautiful weather, and just plain hanging out together. Then we went and watched the rodeo and got to hear George Strait sing his little heart out. Lee was there and we just had the best time. That kid is such a character. He's very precious. So is Alexis. So Tuesday just rocked. Big time. Then came hump day. I get this phone call from my youngest sister letting me know that her baby is due any day, and she just wants to get my address so she can send pictures. Her calls are usually horrible, drunken rants that always wind up with a plea for money. She's done it for years. Bullied and terrified my dad and some of my other sisters. Then she was burned and we all felt horrible and guilty and all of that stuff. Tried to help her. Really tried with everything we had. But she just resorted to all her old habits. Used her burns as a way to get sympathy. And money and drugs. One by one, we've had to distance ourselves from her to maintain our own peace of mind. And safety. So I can't figure out if this is another one of her scams or if she's really pregnant. I guess I'm way more worried that she really might be having a baby. I wish I could say I think it would be a life changing event and she'd turn her life around and all that, but she's almost 40 years old, and I really can't imagine that it would. Maybe getting a little cynical in my old age. So anyway, it sort of sent me into a slight spin. Then I got a call from my lawyer who had just gotten a letter from my soon to be ex's lawyer. Didn't even know he had one. I'm glad he got one, and I'm sure it's just to make sure that his best interests are covered. But it's weird. It makes it very real. I guess the funny thing is that I feel kind of relieved. Like if he got a lawyer that means he knows it's not just something that's going to blow over. He's been acting kind of funny lately. Just really nice and chatty when he calls. Which is totally opposite of the way it usually goes. I kind of wondered what was up, and maybe that was it. At any rate, my real hope is that it means he's moving on. I hope it means he's doing okay. That's important to me. Not something I can control, but something I pray for for him. Anyway, on top of everything else I've been so busy running and going and doing that I just flat exhausted myself. So I took a couple of nights off to just take it easy. Man I needed that. I got about 9 hours sleep last night which I badly needed. I don't do too well on too little sleep. I get weepy and whiny and it's dreadful. So tonight is much better. Now the search for a new place to live starts. I'm very excited. I'm going to find someplace where I can have my dog with me. I miss him terribly and just can't wait. I'm being just a wee bit obsessive about the whole thing (I've been looking for about 2 months and don't move til April), but that's okay. At least I have a good idea of what I want. I feel like it's the next leg of my journey, and I'm looking forward to it.
Today I'm grateful for my little running buddy, who is always up for the next adventure.
My oldest son, who makes me laugh. My youngest son, who will one day grow into the amazing person I can see beneath the anger and resentment.
My grandparents, who set such wonderful examples for me. I owe so much to them and their presence in my life. I'm comforted by the thought that they watch over me, even now.
Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm watching a dear old friend slowly drink herself to death and it breaks my heart. She just doesn't want to quit. I'm so grateful that I got to get AA. I wish it for her and pray every day that she has her epiphany or moment of clarity and decides she wants what we have. As long as she's breathing, I have hope.
My Higher Power, who blesses me with His grace and love each and every day. I am so very blessed.