This too shall pass. Yeah, right.
I hate when people tell me that "this too shall pass." Even though I know it's true. I'm going through a lot of big changes in my life right now. The end of a 25-year marriage. Letting go of my kids and letting them grow up even though they're way past the point where I should have done that. Hanging up my martyr's cross. God I hate that one. Just the realization that that's the role I played for so many years was hard enough. Definitely not how I saw myself. Then to realize that it's got to go. Letting go of expectations of others - and I know I'm not supposed to set expectations for other people. But I keep expecting other people in my life (okay, my soon to be ex) to do things right and to behave fairly and act normally. And he's not. As a good friend reminded me last night, he's a very sick man. He's not going to act normally because he can't right now. And expecting normal, sane, rational behavior from someone who is still deeeeeeeeply into his disease is insane itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all that. So why do I keep doing it? What am I getting out of it? Some part of it must still be working for me if I keep doing it, huh? Crap. The alternative is to force the issue and that's no fun either. No wonder I'm blue. I've been beating the shit out of myself from the inside out. I'm bruised from head to toe from all this nonsense. And it makes me very tired. Thank God for AA, and the fellowship and all the recovering alcoholics and addicts out there in cyperspace with the cojones to post what's really going on in their life so I can read it and get something out of it just like I do in meetings. It's given me a whole nuther place to find solutions and serenity and peace and God and all the other stuff I seek in the rooms (both physical and virtual) of AA. God bless Pee Wee for getting me started with blogging and reading all that other wonderful stuff out there. It's carthartic as hell.
Today I am grateful for:
Not being drunk on my ass today. How's that for a start? Sometimes, that's all there is and I know now that some days that's good enough. I'm grateful for lots more, but today is a good day to keep it simple.