Sunlight of the Spirit

I'm living life one day at time, traveling along in the sunlight of the Spirit. And I don't let anyone get between me and my light...I belong to the most amazing circle of women friends. I know that with them, nothing is impossible.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Right Where I Need To Be

So, I got copies of my divorce papers papers today. It's not that it was unexpected. I knew they'd been filed (since I'm the one that filed them). But it was still a little bit of a shock to see it in writing. And knowing that he got his copies of them, too. I was talking to a friend about it tonight, and she asked how I felt about it. I answered honestly. I'm just not sure. Sad. Relieved. Worried about his reaction. After all, that's what I've done for 25 years. Worried about his reaction to EVERYTHING. My friend reminded me that I've been trying to save him from himself for a very long time (and he was happy to let me) and that I won't be able to let go of that all at once. And that it's natural and okay to feel all the things I'm feeling. I realized that one of the things I feel is guilt. I feel guilty that I don't feel worse about it. I know that's because I've been working toward this decision for a long time and that I've gone through all those emotions over the last year or so, prior to making the final decision to file for divorce. I felt bad enough to think about drinking. Bad enough that I couldn't eat or sleep for a pretty good while. Bad enough that I had difficulty just getting out of bed some days. So, I guess I've felt bad enough about it. Maybe I just need to give myself a frickin' break. I don't know.

I couldn't have gotten though any of that without my friends. I talked and talked and talked about it. Prayed and prayed and prayed about it. Got sad, got depressed, got angry, then began to let go. Accepted that my youngest son, who suffered a lot thru my drinking, would be as angry about this as he has been about so many other things and that it would affect our relationship, and, in the beginning especially, not in a good way. He's 21 years old. He's still living with his dad, and his dad has sort of glommed onto him as though he's his last ally in the world. It's not good for either of them, but that's just another one of those things I can't control. I'm sitting here grappling with the fact that I'm causing them pain, but also trying to accept that, as my lovely friend told me, that it's their journey. Not mine. And that part of their anger is that their chief enabler stopped enabling some time ago and all they're left with is one another. And that especially for my almost ex-husband, it's not my business how he feels or is dealing with this. I guess what I'm saddest about is that I had really hoped that the two of us would be able to get through this and somehow come out of it with some sort of decent relationship. I don't know why I thought that (perhaps it's the Pollyanna in me) since he has always been one of the angriest people I've ever known. And I've given him something to really be pissed about now. So, we're kind of to the not speaking point. All he does is yell and scream, and I stopped allowing people to treat me that way, so it means we don't talk. Same with my son. He's mad and gets abusive when he's frustrated that things aren't going his way. So I mostly can't talk to him right now. He really hates the boundaries I've had to set. And that makes me so sad. I'm sooooooo fortunate that my oldest son understands what's going on a little better and that we have a terrific relationship. I have to constantly watch myself and not put him in the middle. He loves his dad, but knows how toxic it can be to be around him when he's angry, and especially when he's drunk and angry. He's having to do some boundary setting too, and it's hard for him. But he's working on it. We talked a little about him attending some ACA meetings and he was receptive to the idea. I've had to turn that over, too, so we'll see. He's in God's hands so I know he'll be just fine. I have to have the same faith that my younger son will come through this okay. For now, he's the recipient of a LOT of prayer...along with the rest of the family.

So, I guess, all in all, I'm right where I need to be with all of this. Which is sad, relieved, sometimes confused, a little afraid, and last, but absolutely not least, grateful.

Today I'm grateful for:

A God of my understanding who is patient and loving and kind to this very scared child of His. And who watches over my children and family and loved ones (including the soon to be ex) and keeps them close and cares for them all.

My friends who have listened patiently and lovingly and guided me and held my hand and dried my tears and calmed my hysteria.

My children who are so very precious to me.

My apartment, which is safe and very far away from angry, scary, crazy people.

3 Comments:

  • At 5:06 AM, Blogger Mary Christine said…

    Sounds like you are doing all the right stuff - through a difficult experience. I will keep you in my prayers.

     
  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger jeeterbug said…

    i'm glad you're hanging in there chickie!

    j :)

     
  • At 11:06 AM, Blogger Alexis said…

    and we've got George Strait tomorrow night!!!! add that to the gratitude list!! : ) There are wonderful times to be had and you are walking through ALL of this craziness with grace AND dignity and NOT getting sucked in to it! You are my hero and you ROCK!!!!

     

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