Anxiety?

I've been kind of anxious and sort of blue lately. It's probably not too unexpected considering everything that's going on. Still, it feels pretty yucky. I think some of it is survivor's guilt. Some of it is related to going back to work and feeling so tired. Some is related to my son and what he's going through. And there's the wedding next weekend. A lot of my past and my present will be there staring me right in the face. It's not a big deal, really, since I've cleaned up the wreckage of my past and I work to keep it that way today. But I have to admit to a little anxiety about seeing a few of the people who will be there. God, please help me to remember that this day is about Lee and Jessie and NOT ABOUT ME. I'm so pleased that a couple of my sisters will be there for their special day. It will be a lovely wedding, and I'm very excited. My hot date for the evening will be my youngest son. I am so overjoyed at going to his Bubba's wedding with him.

Today I am grateful for:

AA. The rooms, the people, the lessons have all helped me maintain a semblance of sanity these last few days. Hey - a semblance is better than none at all.

My big sister who drove all the way to H town for a visit last weekend and spent an entire day just hanging out with me. We had a wonderful time.

Friends, old and new.

Molten chocolate cake at Chili's with Lex, her terrific boys and MAC.

God, as I understand Him. He brings me so much peace.

The ability to accept people as they are and to let them be where they need to be.

I Survived!

I made it through my first few days back at work. But man, did it kick my ass! Wednesday night, but the time I finally got home, I fell asleep in the bathtub (thank goodness my legs are so long - makes it difficult to slip down in the water), and smooth forgot my jammies when I finally did get in bed. I didn't move all night long and when the alarm went off Thursday morning I wanted to throw it through the window. But I didn't. I got up and went back to work. I don't know how much I accomplished those two days, but I was there. Even though I went to bed early last night, I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a mack truck. I got a lot done at work though. And I'm so glad the weekend is here. I'm beat. I don't plan to do much of anything tomorrow except rest. And I'm profoundly grateful that I can do just that. Tonight will be spent hanging out at home, working with someone new, and going to bed early. And no alarm tomorrow! Yippppppeeeeee!!!!!!!! My dog better not be foolish enough to wake me up early.

Today I'm grateful for:

Being home at last. Feet up, coffee in hand, mindless television show on the boob tube.

My Starbuck's Gift Card from Lex. Two mornings in a row I treated myself to a latte on the way in. It's about the only way I could convince myself to keep going.

My friend Greg, who sent me a newcomer to work with for my birthday!

Steve and Linda, who I adore. Steve is literally living his life one day at a time, just trying to survive lung and brain cancer as long as he can. He's taught me so much about gratitude. She's taught me so much about unconditional love.

Dave, who is learning diplomacy, gentility and tact by being around Steve and helping him through this tough time. Watching him grow has been a huge lesson for me.

Lavendar and magnolia scented candles to take bubble baths by. And bubble baths.

Being sober for 2247 days, 18 hours, and 53 minutes. That's more than 194208845 sober heartbeats!

God, for making all of the above possible.

Back to the Real World

Back to work tomorrow. I'm dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time. I'm going to be soooo far behind on everything and it's going to take a while to catch up. And I'm not going to be back up to full speed again right away, either. I guess all I can do is all I can do. So today, partly because I have a serious case of anticipatory anxiety, and partly because there's a lot of other stuff going on, I had a little minor meltdown. Started doing way too much thinking, which led to a whole lotta stressing, and I wound up in near panic. It's the usual stuff...finances, the divorce, my youngest sons' troubles, blah blah blah. Whew. Wore myself completely out with all that. So I called Lex and Jeanna. Worked on my perspective a little bit. I'm better but not great. I'm sure I'll feel better after I go back to work and dive in. Can't do much about the rest of it, which I guess is part of the problem. Still worrying about things and people I have no control over. Damn, I hate that. Anyway, I decided it was a good evening to chill out, read a little, and just be still. So that's what I'm doing. A short walk with the pug dog, a nice hot bath, and we're curling up with a good book (me and the dog).

Today I'm grateful for:

Not being drunk. Couldn't have been there for my son if I were. I got to witness a whole crew of women high as kites (they were all related) while we were in court this morning, and I know without a doubt, there but for the grace of God go I.

A great job to go back to.

Air conditioning. I don't tolerate heat well ;-)

My doctor. She's taken really good care of me and I already feel better than I have in a long time.

Jeanna and Lex.

My relationship with God.

Living the Blessed Life

Ever had one of those weekends? You know the kind. It was just lovely. It really started on Thursday, with lunch with Jeanna and her girls and some of the best pizza on the planet for my birthday. It was soooo lovely. On Friday my son Lee and his fiance took her mother and I to dinner for our birthday (we share the same birthday). My younger son and one of Lee's oldest friends (Zach was in my Cub Scout den when the boys were in 3rd grade and they've been best friends and co-conspirators ever since) also came to dinner. I ate too much, laughed too hard, and topped it off with too much dessert. It was a blast. On Saturday, Lex and Laurie threw me a little surprise birthday party, complete with double chocolate fudge cake and tiara! Just when I thought it didn't get any better than that, I got to hang out with Lex and watch my friends play ball, then hang out with my youngest son and go to his Sunday night meeting with him. I swear, I just floated through the whole weekend. I can't believe it's over. I just feel very blessed. I'm curled up with a good movie (Ya Ya Sisterhood) and my pug dog, just kickin' back. Got a couple of things going on this week, including returning to work. Can't believe six weeks has flown by, but it has. I'm ready to go back, but getting back into the routine is going to be rough. I've missed everyone, and I've missed my job. I work at a great place with some really terrific people. I've been there forever so they're like family to me. Fortunately, most of them have called or been by or sent books or movies, and I've been able to have lunch them a couple of times. But still, it's time to go back.

Life is good. Today I'm grateful for:

Seeing the promises come true in my life.

Blessings that are too numerous to count.

My kids, Lex, Lee & Michael. They make every day seem like a special day.

My sisters, both blood and spiritual. They are my heart.

My friends who shower me with such unconditional love.

Sponsees who remind me how grateful I am to be me ;-)

My higher power, whom I choose to call God, who sees fit to bless me and care for me each and every day.

Life, continued

One of the things I was told when I first got sober was how important it would be to take care of myself and take care of my sobriety. Because life would continue to happen, even though I’d stopped drinking. It’s a good thing they forewarned me. And boy, were they right. Just to recap: I’m going through a divorce, my youngest son has gone through some major problems and is working very hard to change his life and turn things around, my oldest son is getting married, and I’ve had some health problems which required surgery. And that’s all within the last few months. There’s more, but those are the major points. If I had not continued to do all the things I was taught early in my recovery, I would be getting very drunk right now instead of recalling all the things I’m grateful for.

I am so very grateful today for:

My sobriety. I’m as grateful as I know how to be for my sobriety. Without it, I would not have been in a position to help my son. And I haven’t done much. It’s been the members of this truly amazing fellowship who have picked him up and been carrying him along. And now he has a chance.

My quiet peaceful home. My safe place. I no longer have to worry about drunken rages, people angry about all kinds of slights, both real and imagined, paranoia, and downright hostility. It’s just me and my pug dog. The worst he ever behaves is to occasionally bark at imagined burglars. Bless his little heart.

My friends, both in and out of the program. I am blessed to know some of the finest most caring people on the face of this wonderful planet.

My health. I’m back on my feet and returning to work next week. I miss working and seeing my friends. I’m going to have a tough time getting back into the routine, but I’ll survive.

My HP. Thank you for always taking care of me.